the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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