she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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