He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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