I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
