So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
