So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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