Soap is not a condiment
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
