There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
