there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
