whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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