Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
