Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
