life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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