Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
