It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
