then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I miss vodka workout Fridays
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
