My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
