The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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