I wannas sexs uuuuu
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
