Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
