im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
