operation have a gay friend backfired
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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