Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
