That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I did not marry a roomba.
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