cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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