Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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