i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
