Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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