Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
His nipple licking is glorious
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