I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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