Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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