I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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