I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
