So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
