so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
