when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
