Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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