Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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