Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
