Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
