did you get engaged???
I wish my penis had an off switch
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
