I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize