Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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