remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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