i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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