"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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