Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
