This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
