you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
