No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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