i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
