well I can't set my house on fire every night
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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