the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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