I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
